Eight Things About Me September 26, 2007

So, I was getting my daily dose of laughter from Helen’s blog, when I realize I’d been tagged! I have to admit I was flattered, but I am not sure if I can come up with 8 interesting facts, so here’s my best shot:

1. My Biggest Pet Peeve: Women who wont have sex with their husbands. No, I’m serious! Stingy wives drive me crazy, and I feel so bad for their poor husbands! You can always tell who they are to. They are the women at some kid’s birthday party, whose husbands inevitably end up talking to you. You are polite and engaging, and BAM, their wives are ALL OVER the situation, trying to make sure that you aren’t offering to ’service’ their man in the game room. Seriously honey, go home and get busy keeping the man happy! It’s not like everyone doesn’t end up having a good time in the end, and seriously, if it is THAT bad for you, it is time that you introduce “The Magic Wand” into Adult time. You’ll be happy, he’ll be happy… Here are some things I have noticed: Women who don’t have sex are extremely high strung. Women who have lots of sex tend to be more relaxed, easy going, and generally happier. Sex takes away headaches. Don’t believe me? Try it, it works really well… Anyway, think about what if the tables were reversed, what if suddenly it was the husband who wasn’t interested? Painful, huh. My husband and I both loved the movie “I Think I Love My Wife.” It delves into this topic really well.

2. On a lighter note, my favorite “home luxury” is when I open my cabinets and they are full of clean glasses. It makes me happy ever time!

3. I was a lifeguard in high school and college, but I am not a good swimmer. I have a sneaking suspicion I got the job based on my “personality…”

4. I had 3 younger brothers, growing up. I used to think that God was punishing me. Now that I have three sons, I know he was preparing me. My motto is, “I know my boys will surprise me, but they will never be able to shock me.” My brothers have already done it all, I’ve been as exposed as one mom can be!

5. I have always loved to write. Ever since fourth grade, I have loved writing.

6. I love to cook, or more specifically, bake. Fresh hot pumpkin bread, with a little butter, mmm. I hate to do the dishes. They are my other pet peeve, and since I haven’t been able to figure out a way to ‘get dirty’ while getting the kitchen clean, I’m at a disadvantage.

7. In my marriage, my husband is the one with an amazing decorating/design eye. He is amazing. I’ll confess, sometimes I am jelous. But he is very talented. My job is furniture placement (defiantly more my gift) and accessorising, though even that we enjoy doing together. I am always surprised when women tell me their men aren’t interested at all in making their house look nice. Guess I lucked out!

8. Grouchy moms are often my biggest inspiration. I mean, there is nothing that can bust me out of a ‘mom slump’ like some mom yelling at her poor kids, usually at the grocery store. The grouchier she is, the more loving I become to my own kids, as I pray that I don’t sound that grouchy when I’ve had enough. I love grouchy moms. Don’t get me wrong, I avoid them like the plague, but when they do cross my path, I am always inspired. So thank you lady who yells in the grocery store. Yes, you really do sound horrible, and yes, there are probably plenty of people wanting to call CPS on you, but my oh my am I inspired to be a better mommy because of you! Maybe it would be a good idea to go home and do your man. Just a thought.

Salud!

.

Do you ever wish your kids had a ‘mute’ button? September 24, 2007

We were killing time at McDonald’s, when the Captain had to go to the bathroom. Having 3 boys has many benefits, one of them being that when Daddy is with us, I am not on bathroom duty. So, I sat relaxing while they sprinted to the potty.

Reportedly, an EXTREMELY obese man had just “dropped the kids off at the pool,” so to speak, and was washing his hands when my husband and son blew through the door, and were greeted by a horrible stench. “OH MY GOSH, IT STINKS SOOOO BAD IN HERE DADDY!” Announced the Captain at the top of his lungs, much to my husband’s chagrin. “Wow, that is the STINKIEST SMELL I EVER SMELLED, That Is SOOOO Stinky!”

Somehow, between gaging and choking back laughter, my husband was able to successfully hush the Captain, but I did notice that the man changed his order to “To Go” upon returning from the bathroom, though apparently “Already Went” would have been more like it.

Dinner at my house… September 21, 2007

I recently realized just how much class and dignity my husband brings to the table, when he recently missed dinner.

Usually we all sit down together and tell daddy about our day and all the wonderful things we saw (many are bug-related) and did (often mud related).

Anyway, this particular night I had out done myself making a nice dinner for my boys. With the table set, and ever thing still hot and steaming, I called my boys to the table. The Caboose (1) was already in his highchair eating. The Adventurer (3), who must have stomach worms because he is always STARVING, made a rapid appearance. After two or three calls, the Captain (5) ran into the dining room stark naked, grabbed a lit candle off of the side table, kept running, and managed to spill hot wax all over the floor, the table, and the potatoes, narrowly missing a very long night at the Emergency Room with CPS asking me to explain: “one more time, just exactly how did your son get hot wax all over his privates?”

Needless to say, it was one more frustrating event at the end of a long day. After the Captain got dressed and I cleaned up most of the wax, I sat silently eating with my three boys, mentally counting down how long until bed time. The comotion around me, however, did not cease. The Caboose sat munching and declaring: “LA WA BA LA LA WA BA LA LO” at the top of his lunges, while the Adventure sat singing through bites

What I do for a living… September 13, 2007

My husband is a business man. One of the perks of his profession is business functions, some of which I attend with him. I have attended enough to know that the evening usually consists of a bunch of people exchanging business cards, drinking one to many margaritas, and telling everyone, “Call me!”. The popular question of the night is, “Sooo, what do you do?” Once I was having a wonderful conversation with a woman; when she asked the “question,” I courageously answered, “I take care of my children.” The conversation dropped dead. She mustered a few kind words before she ended the conversation and avoided me for the rest of the night like ‘mommy’ was something contagious.

Another function was looming in the horizon, and I found myself wondering how I was going to explain my chosen profession this time. I can just hear the conversation, “Well, I have changed upwards of 4 poppy diapers every day for the last 4 years, and I haven’t thrown up once.” I say in my coolest “I’m-better-than-you” voice. Maybe a little too sarcastic. I will have to save it for a really juicy moment.

We arrived at the business reception around 7 pm. I was wearing my best clearance-rack dress, with some great shoes. Ok, so they came from a clearance rack to, I’m a bottom feeder, I admit it. Anyway, we were all having a wonderful evening, and as usually happens, my husband and I were separated, and once again I found myself making conversation with complete strangers.

Upon leaving one nice conversation, I found myself trapped by the path of Alpha Woman. You know, the woman with the perfect hair, the perky breasts that have never been the source of someone’s six square meals a day, and the tight little waist that has not blown up to huge proportions and deflated three times, suffering from a serious set back of stretch marks. Her dress was immaculate and very expensive. So were her jewelry, her shoes, and her make-up. I’d be willing to put money on the fact that her underwear cost more that my whole ensemble that evening. After the proper exchange of names and hellos, she was off to the races, quickly trying to discern which one of us was more important, and she was in no mood for loosening. “Well, I work with some of the most prominent Architects in the state, Bla bla bla…” All I hear is, “I am SO important, don’t you just wanna be me?”

I politely nod and say, “Oh that is wonderful, how exciting for you…” and finally her ego simply can’t wait any longer. Seeing that she has not yet managed to intimidate me, and that I have not yet begun competing with her, she must know if I am her better, or if I am one of the other minions she has already crushed somewhere between her stilettos and her overpowering narcissism. I know what is coming, and it really is a no win question. Even if I tell her I am Empress of the World she will just shrug and say something like, “Well, I certainly had the opportunity to do that, but I am just really so much more fulfilled in what I am doing… bla bla bla.”

Finally she asks, “SO what do you do for a living?”

“My husband,” I look her square in the eye as the words spring from my mouth, almost without my control. She chokes on the ice she’s chewing. And as she’s coughing, I add, “and when he’s at work, I make The Best play dough snakes. You know, I’ve found the yellow stays so much softer than the blue. It must have something to do with the amount of pigment in the clay.”

“Well, nice to meet you,” she acting very shifty as she moves away, bumping a waiter, and spilling the rest of her margarita on herself. “Ooops, better clean this up, hope to see you later in the evening…” and like that she is gone.

I quietly smile, and make my way back to my husband, snuggling in close for a kiss. I only notice Alpha Woman twice more that night, both times on the very most opposite side of the room, nervously looking for me over her shoulder. Oh she’s right to think I am half insane. I probably am. Being a mom has a way of making you half crazy, but it also has a way of making things oh so clear at the same time. Salud!

September 13, 2007

If I had to illustrate my boys’ personalities, I would do so with the following:

1. The Captain… off exploring, and keeping the ship in line

2. The Adventurer… curiously running up to the edge of the cliff, and then cautiously calculating, until he makes a decision, and then it is all or nothing.

3. The Caboose… never one to be left behind, anxiously keeping up, my littlest guy often finds himself going in the same direction as his brothers, but not usually on the same track.

They are wonderful and sweet, and about as easy to keep up with as a fish in the water.

Jellyfish Testicles September 13, 2007

We have been practicing letter sounds with flashcards that have the letter and a picture of a coresponding animal on them, you know, word association to trigger long term memories… or something like that.

Anyway, the letter J is paired with a jellyfish, who happens to have very long tentacles, which my 5-year old could not help but comment on:

“Mom, Jellyfish have REALLY long Testicles, don’t they, and it really hurts when their testicles sting you, huh.”

Yep buddy, they sure do, watch out for those Jellyfish!

Flower Gardens… September 8, 2007

I love flowers, I love gardening! This spring, I decided to plant a flowerbed outside my kitchen window so that I could watch my flowers grow. My boys quickly took the area over with their tractors and shovels. So I decided plant a different sort of garden. A couple buckets of sand, an occasional watering, and I traded boy toys for flower seeds.

I have watched my flowers grow all summer, getting taller and browner and blonder in the summer sun, laughing and digging, pouring sand in each other’s hair. It is easily the most beautiful and successful garden I have ever planted, and I love watching my ‘flowers’ grow from my kitchen window.

The Lemonade Stand September 7, 2007

One Saturday morning, my oldest son decided to open a lemonade stand, to earn money for the remote control helicopter he really wanted. He and my middle son squeezed lemons, made a sign, put out the cups, and then started asking every neighbor they could find if they wanted to buy some lemonade.Two little boys across the street turned out to be very willing consumers, promising to buy more lemonade when the stand was next open. But, the next time the lemonade stand was open, they weren’t home. My son came into the house to ask me, “Mom, when are those boys going to be home? I really want their money!”

Inside, I had to laugh at the honesty of a five-year old. He didn’t care about “providing a better product” or “filling a need for a necessary service.” Like any true entrepreneur, he was interested in the people who would give him money. But I do believe he will take better care of that remote control helicopter than any other boy when he finally earns enough “money and cash.”

Building Cathedrals September 7, 2007

This was written by Nicole Johnson, who used to do this in the Women of Faith conferences.

I’m invisible…….
It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I’m on the phone and ask to be taken to the store. Inside I’m thinking, “Can’t you see I’m on the phone?” Obviously not. No one can see if I’m on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all. I’m invisible. Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more:Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this? Some days I’m not a pair of hands; I’m not even a human being. I’m a clock to ask, “What time is it?” I’m a satellite guide to answer, “What number is the Disney Channel?” I’m a car to order, “Pick me up right around 5:30, please.” I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history and the mind that graduated summa cum laude — but now they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She’s going … she’s going … she’s gone!

One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England. Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself as I cooked down at my out-of-style dress; it was the only thing I could find that was clean. My unwashed hair was pulled up in a banana clip and I was afraid I could actually smell peanut butter in it. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, “I brought you this.” It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe. I wasn’t exactly sure why she’d given it to me until I read her inscription: “To Charlotte, with admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.” In the days ahead I would read — no, devour — the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work: No one can say who built the great cathedrals– we have no record of their names. These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished. They made great sacrifices and expected no credit. The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything. A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, “Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof? No one will ever see it.” And the workman replied, “Because God sees.”

I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, “I see you, Charlotte. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No act of kindness you’ve done, no sequin you’ve sewn on, no cupcake you’ve baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can’t see right now what it will become.” At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a disease that is erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride. I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on. The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.

When I really think about it, I don’t want my son to tell the friend he’s bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, “My mom gets up at 4 in the
morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand-bastes a turkey for three hours and presses all the linens for the table.” That would mean I’d built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, “You’re gonna love it there.” As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we’re doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women.

The Woman’s Dictionary For Men August 27, 2007

Forwarded to me from my father, this is funny, and sadly true! -H-

FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use “fine” to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it’s an even trade.

NOTHING: This means “something,” and you should be on your toes. “Nothing” is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. “Nothing” usually signifies an argument that will last “Five Minutes” and end with “Fine”

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows!): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over “Nothing” and will end with the word “Fine”

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows): This means “I give up” or “do what you want because I don’t care” You will get a “Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead” in just a few minutes, followed by “Nothing” and “Fine” and she will talk to you in about “Five Minutes” when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A “Loud Sigh” means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over “Nothing”

SOFT SIGH: Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. “Soft Sighs” mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT’S OKAY: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. “That’s Okay” means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. “That’s Okay” is often used with the word “Fine” and in conjunction with a “Raised Eyebrow.”

GO AHEAD!: At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble!

PLEASE DO: This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn’t get a “That’s Okay”

THANKS: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint! Just say you’re welcome.

THANKS A LOT: This is much different from “Thanks.” A woman will say, “Thanks A Lot” when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the “Loud Sigh.” Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the “Loud Sigh,” as she will only tell you “Nothing”