Eight Things About Me September 26, 2007

So, I was getting my daily dose of laughter from Helen’s blog, when I realize I’d been tagged! I have to admit I was flattered, but I am not sure if I can come up with 8 interesting facts, so here’s my best shot:

1. My Biggest Pet Peeve: Women who wont have sex with their husbands. No, I’m serious! Stingy wives drive me crazy, and I feel so bad for their poor husbands! You can always tell who they are to. They are the women at some kid’s birthday party, whose husbands inevitably end up talking to you. You are polite and engaging, and BAM, their wives are ALL OVER the situation, trying to make sure that you aren’t offering to ’service’ their man in the game room. Seriously honey, go home and get busy keeping the man happy! It’s not like everyone doesn’t end up having a good time in the end, and seriously, if it is THAT bad for you, it is time that you introduce “The Magic Wand” into Adult time. You’ll be happy, he’ll be happy… Here are some things I have noticed: Women who don’t have sex are extremely high strung. Women who have lots of sex tend to be more relaxed, easy going, and generally happier. Sex takes away headaches. Don’t believe me? Try it, it works really well… Anyway, think about what if the tables were reversed, what if suddenly it was the husband who wasn’t interested? Painful, huh. My husband and I both loved the movie “I Think I Love My Wife.” It delves into this topic really well.

2. On a lighter note, my favorite “home luxury” is when I open my cabinets and they are full of clean glasses. It makes me happy ever time!

3. I was a lifeguard in high school and college, but I am not a good swimmer. I have a sneaking suspicion I got the job based on my “personality…”

4. I had 3 younger brothers, growing up. I used to think that God was punishing me. Now that I have three sons, I know he was preparing me. My motto is, “I know my boys will surprise me, but they will never be able to shock me.” My brothers have already done it all, I’ve been as exposed as one mom can be!

5. I have always loved to write. Ever since fourth grade, I have loved writing.

6. I love to cook, or more specifically, bake. Fresh hot pumpkin bread, with a little butter, mmm. I hate to do the dishes. They are my other pet peeve, and since I haven’t been able to figure out a way to ‘get dirty’ while getting the kitchen clean, I’m at a disadvantage.

7. In my marriage, my husband is the one with an amazing decorating/design eye. He is amazing. I’ll confess, sometimes I am jelous. But he is very talented. My job is furniture placement (defiantly more my gift) and accessorising, though even that we enjoy doing together. I am always surprised when women tell me their men aren’t interested at all in making their house look nice. Guess I lucked out!

8. Grouchy moms are often my biggest inspiration. I mean, there is nothing that can bust me out of a ‘mom slump’ like some mom yelling at her poor kids, usually at the grocery store. The grouchier she is, the more loving I become to my own kids, as I pray that I don’t sound that grouchy when I’ve had enough. I love grouchy moms. Don’t get me wrong, I avoid them like the plague, but when they do cross my path, I am always inspired. So thank you lady who yells in the grocery store. Yes, you really do sound horrible, and yes, there are probably plenty of people wanting to call CPS on you, but my oh my am I inspired to be a better mommy because of you! Maybe it would be a good idea to go home and do your man. Just a thought.

Salud!

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Do you ever wish your kids had a ‘mute’ button? September 24, 2007

We were killing time at McDonald’s, when the Captain had to go to the bathroom. Having 3 boys has many benefits, one of them being that when Daddy is with us, I am not on bathroom duty. So, I sat relaxing while they sprinted to the potty.

Reportedly, an EXTREMELY obese man had just “dropped the kids off at the pool,” so to speak, and was washing his hands when my husband and son blew through the door, and were greeted by a horrible stench. “OH MY GOSH, IT STINKS SOOOO BAD IN HERE DADDY!” Announced the Captain at the top of his lungs, much to my husband’s chagrin. “Wow, that is the STINKIEST SMELL I EVER SMELLED, That Is SOOOO Stinky!”

Somehow, between gaging and choking back laughter, my husband was able to successfully hush the Captain, but I did notice that the man changed his order to “To Go” upon returning from the bathroom, though apparently “Already Went” would have been more like it.

Important Guests… September 22, 2007

I realized yesterday that I have the three most important guests that I will ever host in my home Right Now!

They are 5, 3, and 1. They liked my home so well that they just decided to stay, given, they didn’t know how to walk, so leaving would have been rather difficult, but seriously, these boys, these crazy, sand-covered, bug-loving, silly-story-telling boys, sweet wonderful boys are the very most important guests that I will ever have the privilege of hosting in my home.

Dinner at my house… September 21, 2007

I recently realized just how much class and dignity my husband brings to the table, when he recently missed dinner.

Usually we all sit down together and tell daddy about our day and all the wonderful things we saw (many are bug-related) and did (often mud related).

Anyway, this particular night I had out done myself making a nice dinner for my boys. With the table set, and ever thing still hot and steaming, I called my boys to the table. The Caboose (1) was already in his highchair eating. The Adventurer (3), who must have stomach worms because he is always STARVING, made a rapid appearance. After two or three calls, the Captain (5) ran into the dining room stark naked, grabbed a lit candle off of the side table, kept running, and managed to spill hot wax all over the floor, the table, and the potatoes, narrowly missing a very long night at the Emergency Room with CPS asking me to explain: “one more time, just exactly how did your son get hot wax all over his privates?”

Needless to say, it was one more frustrating event at the end of a long day. After the Captain got dressed and I cleaned up most of the wax, I sat silently eating with my three boys, mentally counting down how long until bed time. The comotion around me, however, did not cease. The Caboose sat munching and declaring: “LA WA BA LA LA WA BA LA LO” at the top of his lunges, while the Adventure sat singing through bites

You know you live in the City when… September 17, 2007

A couple weeks ago, I introduced my boys to that renowned elementary delicacy: Ants On A Log. You know, celery loaded with peanut butter, and topped with raisins, not to be confused with its even tastier cousin “Ants on a Toilet Seat,” apple rings being the toilet seat. But I digress.

Anyway, today my 5-year-old, “The Captain” asked if we could have “Ants in a Pipe” for a snack today, which made me laugh because I realized that never in his life has he seen a hallowed out log, though I was very impressed that he was able to transfer the concept to something that he has seen: construction pipes.

I never thought snack time could be so revealing as to location… Salud!

What I do for a living… September 13, 2007

My husband is a business man. One of the perks of his profession is business functions, some of which I attend with him. I have attended enough to know that the evening usually consists of a bunch of people exchanging business cards, drinking one to many margaritas, and telling everyone, “Call me!”. The popular question of the night is, “Sooo, what do you do?” Once I was having a wonderful conversation with a woman; when she asked the “question,” I courageously answered, “I take care of my children.” The conversation dropped dead. She mustered a few kind words before she ended the conversation and avoided me for the rest of the night like ‘mommy’ was something contagious.

Another function was looming in the horizon, and I found myself wondering how I was going to explain my chosen profession this time. I can just hear the conversation, “Well, I have changed upwards of 4 poppy diapers every day for the last 4 years, and I haven’t thrown up once.” I say in my coolest “I’m-better-than-you” voice. Maybe a little too sarcastic. I will have to save it for a really juicy moment.

We arrived at the business reception around 7 pm. I was wearing my best clearance-rack dress, with some great shoes. Ok, so they came from a clearance rack to, I’m a bottom feeder, I admit it. Anyway, we were all having a wonderful evening, and as usually happens, my husband and I were separated, and once again I found myself making conversation with complete strangers.

Upon leaving one nice conversation, I found myself trapped by the path of Alpha Woman. You know, the woman with the perfect hair, the perky breasts that have never been the source of someone’s six square meals a day, and the tight little waist that has not blown up to huge proportions and deflated three times, suffering from a serious set back of stretch marks. Her dress was immaculate and very expensive. So were her jewelry, her shoes, and her make-up. I’d be willing to put money on the fact that her underwear cost more that my whole ensemble that evening. After the proper exchange of names and hellos, she was off to the races, quickly trying to discern which one of us was more important, and she was in no mood for loosening. “Well, I work with some of the most prominent Architects in the state, Bla bla bla…” All I hear is, “I am SO important, don’t you just wanna be me?”

I politely nod and say, “Oh that is wonderful, how exciting for you…” and finally her ego simply can’t wait any longer. Seeing that she has not yet managed to intimidate me, and that I have not yet begun competing with her, she must know if I am her better, or if I am one of the other minions she has already crushed somewhere between her stilettos and her overpowering narcissism. I know what is coming, and it really is a no win question. Even if I tell her I am Empress of the World she will just shrug and say something like, “Well, I certainly had the opportunity to do that, but I am just really so much more fulfilled in what I am doing… bla bla bla.”

Finally she asks, “SO what do you do for a living?”

“My husband,” I look her square in the eye as the words spring from my mouth, almost without my control. She chokes on the ice she’s chewing. And as she’s coughing, I add, “and when he’s at work, I make The Best play dough snakes. You know, I’ve found the yellow stays so much softer than the blue. It must have something to do with the amount of pigment in the clay.”

“Well, nice to meet you,” she acting very shifty as she moves away, bumping a waiter, and spilling the rest of her margarita on herself. “Ooops, better clean this up, hope to see you later in the evening…” and like that she is gone.

I quietly smile, and make my way back to my husband, snuggling in close for a kiss. I only notice Alpha Woman twice more that night, both times on the very most opposite side of the room, nervously looking for me over her shoulder. Oh she’s right to think I am half insane. I probably am. Being a mom has a way of making you half crazy, but it also has a way of making things oh so clear at the same time. Salud!